Anyways:
I have been digging deep into query land... not a very pleasant place to be, but something we all to master at one point or the other. If I'm honest I love the challenge and I have met many different characters who challenged me succesfully. It's just a lot of fun to grow and see your own progress in your writing. I love it, I breathe it, I live for it. That's why I would like to present my query to you and hope you can give me some advice.
Here we go:
If you think life as a teenager is tough, try it as a witch in disguise.
All seventeen year-old Zora Amaris wants is to be average. She hates keeping secrets from her “ordinary” friends, when it comes to being a witch. Talking about her magical abilities would take a huge weight off her shoulders. However, her family has protected their identities for generations, especially after witch hunters murdered her father, and she’s not in a position to tell. What she hates even more is her oh-so-promising future. Zora’s eighteenth birthday will align with the Blood Moon, a once in a century thing, which will boost her powers exponentially. It makes her feel even further from average, and very alone.
Without warning, her powers run out of control only weeks before the big day: she freezes rain in the air, totals her car in slow motion, and can’t tell the difference between dream and reality. Keeping the family’s legacy secret is almost impossible now. Nothing would be worse than exposing her powers to a witch hunter, which is exactly what happens when she falls in love with Trystan Chayse. She can’t resist him, since he knows her secret and she can be herself. His ancient clan, the Order of the Institoris, is on to Zora and threatens to slay every witch on earth. When Trystan turns against his own to protect her, their bond grows stronger and alienates them from their families.
Now Zora has to choose between Trystan and her family, or find a way to unite them. But that won’t stop the Institoris. After Blood Moon she’ll be the only witch powerful enough to protect her family – even if that means giving up her dream of being ordinary.
hello,
ReplyDeletestrong premise, I get the general thrust of her problem.
I'd say it's a little confused between wanting to be average and wanting to be able to be herself and talk about her powers (not very average). It can't really be both, at least not how you've presented it.
And because you've used being ordinary as the tag at the end it makes it difficult. She wants to be ordinary, then she loves Trystan because she can be magical, then she worries she won't be ordinary.
Does she want to be average or does she want to be accepted as different?
Otherwise seems like a solid idea.
regards
mood
Moody Writing
If I were an agent-- I would you request pages. I like your first hook and you have voice.
ReplyDeleteBrandi from Blkosiner’s Book Blog
Thanks Moody! I see what you mean... I guess I was already too involved in the story to see the problem.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise! I like the voice and her choice is very clear at the end. I also like some of the details-- the freezing rain and slow motion crash. These are intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI think you could cut this section "Talking about her magical abilities would take a huge weight off her shoulders. However, her family has protected their identities for generations, especially after witch hunters murdered her father, and she’s not in a position to tell. What she hates even more is her oh-so-promising future. " without losing anything, probably a few other spots as well.
Great query!
This is really interesting. My brain is sort of dead now (end of work day lol), so I don't have anything constructive to say. I'd definitely read pages of this!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a really fun idea. My only major comment is not to start with anything rhetorical, or to include "you". I think you can ditch that line and pump up your first paragraph and have a really fantastic query.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! And thanks for all your comments on my query. I really appreciate it.
Rosie
East for Green Eyes
Hi! Thanks for the comments on my query!
ReplyDeleteAs to yours, I don't see anything major wrong with it. It could do with a little trimming here and there, just to tighten it up a bit. And I think you should change your first line slightly - maybe 'If life as a teenager is tough, try being a witch in disguise.' - it just takes the personal 'you' away, which I'm told is a no-no.
I like the premise, and think the conflict between ordinary and 'witchy' is a good plot. I'd definitely read it!
Hi Nat, I'm getting around the query blogfest a bit late, but hopefully I can still help.
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a really interesting premise here. I love witch stories :).
If you think life as a teenager is tough, try it as a witch in disguise.
All seventeen year-old Zora Amaris wants is to be average. I don't have anything against this line, but I have noticed it as the start of a lot of queries lately. It might be at risk of becoming cliche. She hates keeping secrets from her “ordinary” friends, when it comes to being a witch I'd cut 'when it comes to being a witch'. That's a given. Talking about her magical abilities would take a huge weight off her shoulders. However, her family has protected their identities for generations, especially after witch hunters murdered her father, and she’s not in a position to tell. What she hates even more is her oh-so-promising future. Zora’s eighteenth birthday will align with the Blood Moon, a once in a century thing, which will boost her powers exponentially. It makes her feel even further from average, and very alone. I feel like a lot of this para is set-up, and the story doesn't really start till the next para. Can this be condensed?
Without warning, her powers run out of control only weeks before the big day: she freezes rain in the air, totals her car in slow motion, and can’t tell the difference between dream and reality I like this showing instead of telling. Keeping the family’s legacy secret is almost impossible now I'd cut this line. It's telling what you've already showed is in the previous line. Nothing would be worse than exposing her powers to a witch hunter, which is exactly what happens when she falls in love with Trystan Chayse Does falling in love with him expose her powers, or are they exposed from the erratic magic? They way the sentence is structured it seems that falling in love with him causes him to find out, which seems a bit selfish of her to give up that information when it's the worst thing that could happen. I think this needs to be clarified. She can’t resist him, since he knows her secret and she can be herself. His ancient clan, the Order of the Institoris, is on to Zora and threatens to slay every witch on earth How is them knowing who Zora is and slaying every witch on earth linked? Why do they want to kill all the witches on earth?. When Trystan turns against his own to protect her, their bond grows stronger and alienates them from their families. This is telling.
Now Zora has to choose between Trystan and her family, or find a way to unite them. But that won’t stop the Institoris. After Blood Moon she’ll be the only witch powerful enough to protect her family – even if that means giving up her dream of being ordinary.